Looking in the cracked mirror

It would be easy to blame all of my flaws on my parents. Isn’t that what society does today? Blame everyone but themselves? Alas, I am an adult now and I have to take responsibility for my own actions.

Somewhere along the road of life I learned to be pessimistic about pretty much everything. Again, my first thought is to point at my mom and say “I learned it from her!” But again, I am responsible for my own feelings and actions. I have a really good life these days. Let me state that again, I have a really good life.

Why do I have a good life?

First and foremost I have a beautiful and loving fiancé that is always there for me and two beautiful daughters. I can’t state that enough. I see them and I can’t believe that they are in my life, it was like winning the lottery. When my dad ended up in Loma Linda she drove down there with me and never left my side. When my sister and her mother held a memorial service for my dad, my fiancé was right there beside me even though she had just come off working two graveyard shifts in a row and was dead on her feet. She calms my anger. In general makes me want to be a better man for her and the girls. Do better, be better, be there for her like she is for me, give her nice things. Be the dad for our daughters that they deserve.

Why else do I have a great life? I have some great friends; some if which I have had for most of my life. Last year I helped start The Sidewinder Motor Club where I have made even more friends and had some awesome experiences. Career wise, I was recently promoted to the GS-12 position of Deputy NAVOSH Installation Program Director. Fancy way of saying assistant department head for Safety. I was just given a great performance review for the year, I have the respect of some fairly high up individuals and to be blunt, I am damn good at my job when I am not being lazy.

I drive a 2012 Dodge Challenger R/T as my daily driver! Screw you gas mileage! I can afford a big V8! Speaking of big V8’s, my grandfather recently gave me a 1984 F250 with a 460 V8 and camper to repair and then just have. My fiancé gave me an X-Box One for Christmas! I have a comic book collection that my nerdy friends envy and a book collection that a lot of people drool over….until they help me move.

Speaking of my grandfather, he told me he was proud of me. That’s huge in my grandfathers world. For all of their flaws, my bio family does care for me and even love me. This is more than a lot of people have.

But the pessimistic me is always there…..

I’m constantly looking at what’s wrong with me, what I don’t have, etc. I see my car loan and my student loans and complain about how broke I am, when in reality the student loans gave me my degree and my degree helped me land my job! I love my car, so then why do I complain about the loan that I took to get it? I look in the mirror and see a fat version of myself, but instead of doing anything about it I just complain. I always want more, I never do good enough for myself…the list of complaints when I look around me can go on.

I’ve always been told I am hard on myself, that I judge myself too harshly. However, I am also told I judge others too harshly. It’s true too. For some reason I really don’t like most people, even ones I haven’t met. I tend to judge them on the smallest actions and immediately dismiss them as being a moron, a douche, an ass, a mooch, a drama queen, etc. I tend to prop myself up as being better than they are too, unwilling to recognize the struggles they are going through because I can’t see past my own past.

I have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to my friends that were given a lot of breaks in life or just grew yup privileged. Yet, these are the same ones that I compare my life too and say “well they did it/have it, why can’t I?”

These are things in my life I need to change for my fiancé and the girls, or I am going to drive them out of my life. I need to be a better person, while also recognizing that I already have things pretty damn good.

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Categories: Family, Friends, General | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Looking in the cracked mirror

  1. Happy New Year, my friend.
    I think you are on the right path. And you have been for a long time. You are a better human than most.

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